She didn’t see him as he approached her. She was so lost in conversation with friends that she was completely unaware that she had somehow caught the attention of the man who would soon change her life forever. Perhaps it was just the way she moved when she spoke, or perhaps it was the tone of her voice. Who ever really knows what it is about a woman that can catch a man’s attention anyway, and by the time she became aware, it was too late, he was already in control.
He took her completely by surprise as he gently placed his hand on her shoulder and introduced himself. As she turned to face him, she found herself staring into the bluest eyes. Eyes that revealed nothing and yet saw everything. He was physically well built and handsome by any woman’s standards, but that was not what was most appealing about him. It took her a long time to figure out what was so appealing, and when she did, the way she looked at the world, the way she looked at herself, everything, would change forever.
In those first brief moments of meeting and indecision, she was immediately reminded of how much she hated situations like this. She preferred safe surroundings, and more importantly circumstances that were predictable and easier to control. She knew she was self-controlling, she did not allow anyone to get too close. She had her reasons, maybe not good ones, but they were hers. She did not let people into her inner world. She wanted to be safe above all else.
Yet, when she turned and looked into his eyes, she understood that although she did not let anyone in, she was quite incapable of stopping someone determined to get past her defenses. A distinction she had no time to ponder, because at that moment he was too great a presence to ignore.
Now, this complete stranger, with deliberate conversational strokes was invading her space with a cool, premeditated determination that she had never encountered before. It was a conversation that he had initiated, and to her growing alarm, he as giving no signs of relinquishing any control. He asked her questions and probed her for answers. No, he bordered on demanding answers. All in such an appealing yet indomitable manner that it left her feeling vulnerable and exposed.
She realized immediately that she had always used words to manipulate and stay in control, and that not being able to direct the conversation left her feeling anxious and uncomfortable. No one had ever been able to avoid her questions, her probing and her demands for answers. It was distressing to have him effortlessly dominate without asking her permission.
In a flash of insight, it occurred to her that she could not remember if anyone had ever seemed so interested in what she had to say. The more she thought about it, the more she began to wonder if it was more to truthful to say that no one had ever really listened to her before. And in that moment of revelation and inquiry she felt herself open up—allowing him into her private place.
He was right there in her space, not even a comfortable 3 feet away from her to provide a feeling of security. He was very close physically and would have stepped even closer but for some inner knowledge that she would have pushed him away forever had he done so. He seemed completely aware that he was as close as he could be without crossing an invisible line she had drawn in the sand so long ago she could not remember its origins. But on this occasion, apparently not as invisible a line as she would have liked, and that made her anxious as well.
She couldn’t think, she was being asked too many questions and she couldn’t process her thoughts as he intently awaited answers from her. She had never been this entirely in present time before. She was usually dreaming about a future or critiquing the past. The present had pretty much been just a dot on the map, marking a journey that had begun so long ago she had no recollection of its origin and going to a place that was so far down the road it was beyond her imagination. Now, she was almost being forced into present time. Like breaks that come to a screeching halt, she had been stopped cold in her tracks. Why he wanted her to stop and notice him, she could not fathom. He just wanted it, and he seemed totally capable of getting whatever he sought. So, she stopped and gave him her time.
This is how it began and it really never changed. He always had control. She began to learn a great deal about herself because he was in control. She could not stop the events that would follow, she could not stop the inner conflict she would encounter and be forced to deal with, and she could not stop his ultimate intrusion and dominance of her body, mind and soul.
He wanted to know her secrets, he wanted to delve deeper and deeper into her inner world and he was ruthless and relentless about getting what he sought. He kept it up until she had no more excuses, and eventually seeing the path before her. His invasion into her psyche was complete and irreversible and she knew that what this man did to her would forever define her private world.
It’s ironic, but life is sometimes informed by nothing more than a comparison. Because he was such a presence in her life, she began to understand that she had always been alone, that she had never felt connected to another human being. She’d never realized that she had been so alone before. That revelation made her understand that from now on she would know the fear of being left alone.
It took her a long time to come to grips with the aloneness she now knew had filled her entire existence. She had always known she was independent and isolated by nature. She had always believed that this was just her way, but she now began to entertain the idea that she had just never known any other existence except alone and that aloneness had defined her for so long, she didn’t know any different.
As time went on, she began to feel him more and more within her consciousness, and she began to understand her affect on him. She liked knowing she was part of the happiness of another. She liked knowing that she was not simply taking up a space another warm body could just as easily occupy. There were times she realized he would be the only one that would ever be allowed to affect him in some ways. She could feel it.
She also knew he had gone deep inside her to a place no one had ever been, to a place she would never have known existed except for his relentless pursuit of her.
It was a good feeling to be with another. It felt safe, yet another feeling she had never experienced. She felt connected, like she belonged there, again an experience she had never had. In fact, she actually began to relax. She came to know that she had never been capable of relaxation. She had never been able to relax because she was afraid of what would happen if her vigilance lapsed for even one moment. She now understood that she had always been afraid, of what she still does not know.
In the end, she became aware of a new fear. It came creeping into her consciousness like a thief ready to steal all her new hopes and dreams. It came in the quiet time of night, in the darkness, just as she was about to fall into slumber. It was there to greet her when she awoke in the morning. This gnawing and growing fear that she would be returned to her solitude, with the complete awareness that she was and might forever be–alone. She was completely aware that there would never be any going back to the safety of her solitude. That reality was gone. Now that solitude would not be a refuge; it would be a prison.
These fears became a ‘fait accompli’ in her mind and she began to push him away, not because she didn’t love him, and not because he didn’t love her. She did it because it was all she knew how to do. This is ultimately how she regained control and lost paradise. She simply locked herself away, let the fear and confusion dominate and she became a stranger even to herself.
It finally ended as all things do. She is safe now. She is free now. She is more aware of who she is and why she does the things she does, which is more than she really deserves. She is fine with the loss.
Really, she is.
But, late at night, as the darkness envelopes her consciousness; there in the same darkness that gave birth to her fears; there, just before she falls asleep and as she makes her silent prayer for numbness; there in that silence, she can still feel him.
