She slowly stepped out of the shower, pausing a moment to try and compose herself, then shaking her long wet hair in an attempt to purge the thoughts from her mind. Thinking to herself, only half jokingly, “Maybe if I shake my head hard enough… it’ll all go away”.
She reached for the towel on the hook, but before she could begin to dry herself, she broke down. Bunching up the towel in her hands, she buried her face in the soft terry cloth and began to cry. Here she was again. Why does it always seem so foreign and so familiar all at the same time? Why is that?
Her sobs found their voice and suddenly were echoing off the tile in the bathroom, giving them a strange tin-y sound. She hated the sound of her own pain. It always seemed to catapult her into some dark and forlorn place that she called “The Abyss”, but it was really just hell on earth.
She was in real pain now. The pain of loss, the pain of separation, but more than that, it was the knowledge of just how much more pain was sure to follow. She knew herself well, too well to be able to convince herself that she would get through this unscathed. Life just wasn’t like that. She knew, hell everyone knew, real life just wasn’t like that.
People use platitudes and easy phrases to try and comfort. People try, but it never works. Sooner or later, she knew she would drop into her own brand of purgatory. Everyone has one; a place that you only fear at first, but then, it surrounds you, and finally it just eats you alive. No one likes to remember that place. So, they go to a Hallmark store and buy a card full of nice sentiments, deliver it into the hands of the wounded, and then make a hasty retreat to the safety of their own lives. Back to where “The Abyss” is but a distant memory. Back to where they can forget it even exists. Hell, even she forgot for a while. But, it all came crashing back into her life in a swift moment of truth.
She sank down on the floor and continued to cry, her wet body drying in the damp air around her. A shiver went through her body as her ass hit the cold tile, and the coldness brought her out of her emotions and back to the present. She dried her eyes and tried to shake it all off, her fear of the abyss, the loss, all of it, but she couldn’t.
She didn’t know how long she sat there, but by the time she came back to real time, her hair was almost dry and she was chilled to the bone. She stood up carefully avoiding her reflection in the mirror. She couldn’t do that yet. No, she would wait to do that.
She walked from the bathroom to her bedroom, stopping to turn on the heat as she passed by the heater. It was cold. She was pretty sure it was really cold, but it wasn’t a clear thought, just something she did as if she were on automatic pilot. Sighing at her own confusion, she continued into the bedroom to get dressed. She had a lot to do today she should get started. She had a lot to do.
She felt so cold, and then in a daze realized that she was still naked. Suddenly it bothered her for some reason. She didn’t want to be naked any longer, and as the thought crept into her mind, she began to panic. She quickly grabbed some jeans and a tee shirt to put on, and then, almost running to the dresser, she grabbed some cotton under clothes. She dressed as fast as she could, the panic only slightly subsiding as she began to cover her nakedness. She pulled the tee shirt over her head and sighed, the panic controlled for the moment. She pulled on some socks on and grabbed her shoes.
“There,” she said to herself out loud, “there.” She looked around as if there were someone there to congratulate her for getting dressed, then realized, she lived alone.
She picked herself up and forced herself to go comb her hair and brush her teeth, and as she did, she stoically controlled her tears. She brushed her teeth and combed her hair, all the time avoiding the mirror. She knew she couldn’t look at herself yet. If she looked too hard at herself, she would be crushed under the weight of accusations, the weight of her own guilt. She tried to avoid her own image, she tired, but in the end, she succumbed to her own panic and fear. In the end it was all about punishing herself, and so, she looked at herself in the mirror.
As soon as she saw her own eyes, she knew this time would be worse than ever before. It would be worse because there was no one to blame but herself. She took her hand and caressed the cheek of the woman in the mirror, but her hand fell on the cold reflection, not on her own warm face. She bowed her head and finally cried tears she could feel, the numbness finally gone, the reality staring at her from the mirror.
She had failed again.
